Spoiler "Five-Minute" Versions Of "Crucial" AH Books

[modelcitizen]

Some books are part of an "automatically understood" background of knowledge presumed of fellow ah.com posters.

For myriad reasons, not everyone has read all of these books.

Sure, research on wikipedia is always a way to bone up fairly quickly on the who what what-not of these books.

And, it could be fun to render five-minute versions of some of these books in a thread such as this.

BTW, I declare that folks have "permission" to do five-minute versions of books that have already been rendered. In other words, PosterJDoe's version of Dies The Fire will no doubt shine a light on that novel in a way that the existing version(s) have not, and/or might squeeze in a joke and/or trope/reference in a fresh and/or more amusing manner. (Am I recklessly encouraging an atmosphere of competition and one-upping? Or am I merely saying hey don't feel bad if I do a book you were dying to do, you can still do your take on it regardless? Or both? Or should you just pound sand and sulk in a corner with poorly throttled rage for the temerity you showed in questioning my motive?)

Books suitable can include AH works, SciFi works, works of fiction that are popular targets for fan-fic authors, et cetera et al.

 

[Teshuvah]

How Few Remain (1997), Harry Turtledove: Alternate history novel stemming from a Confederate victory in the American Civil War. The divergence that causes this occurs on 10 September 1862, when Robert E. Lee's "Special Order 191," lost in our timeline, is recovered by the CSA. This plan included intricate details for an offensive against the Union, and in our world, the Confederate's plans were foiled because the order was lost. In this world, they cause the downfall of the Union and the independence of the Confederacy later in the year.

Fast forward to 1881. Disgraced former President Abraham Lincoln is causing tensions to stir by inciting revolutionary socialism in the United States. Meanwhile, the Confederate States of America, on the heels of their annexation of Cuba several years earlier (tacitly approved of by the Democratic President in Washington), purchases the provinces of Sonora and Chihuahua from the Mexican Empire (still ruled by Maximilian I under the watchful eye of the French). American President James G. Blaine uses this as an excuse to declare war on the Confederacy.

At first, things seem to be going well for the Union: Virginia is invaded, and Winchester is taken. But hopes for a quick victory are dashed when general Stonewall Jackson repels the invaders. Following this, he is ordered to Louisville, Kentucky, where he pioneers trench warfare in a brutal onslaught from Union forces. Meanwhile, in San Francisco, the British, allied with the CSA, raid the local bank as Samuel Clemens, a local news reporter, watches on. In Utah, a Mormon uprising is easily squashed with the power of modern machine weapons (Gatling Guns)

Eventually, Confederate President James Longstreet offers a truce, which Blaine has no choice but to accept. Longstreet agrees to end the war on the condition that the Confederacy's purchase of Sonora and Chihuahua be recognized; Blaine agrees. This order comes too late to stop the most humiliating aspect of the war: the annexation of Northern Maine by the British. Blaine, humiliated by the revoking of the Webster-Ashburton Treaty at the expense of a third of his home state, is rided out of office. The US Government, now de facto governing from Philadelphia rather than the indefensible Washington, D.C., throws out the Republicans permanently, and the Socialists become the main opposition to the Democrats.

How's that for a summary?

-AYC

 

[modelcitizen]

...

How's that for a summary?

-AYC

Seems solid to me!

 

[modelcitizen]

Dune Series, by Frank Herbert.

Spoiler Alert.


Dune:

Setting: it's like 15,000 or 20,000 or so years into the future.
Faster than light travel is done with navigation by mutants coked up to the gills on a powerful drug that is only available on one planet. That drug is The Spice. ("AND HE WHO CONTROLS THE SPICE CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE!")

Government of bunch of planets handled by quasi-feudalism. The emperor's ace in the hole is his elite Sardaukar army, and the balance is that everybody else combined could beat the emperor if need be.

The Spacing Guild are the folks who handle space travel, i.e., with the mutated humans soaking in spice.

The Bene Gesserit are like freaking super-capable order of sisterhood that combine fierce dedication with breathtaking cynicism, engineering of religions to suit their purpose, a breeding program, etc.

Bene Gesserit Reverend Mothers can see down the "path" of their maternal ancestors and access their memories, which is kewl when it isn't terrifying. How is that unlocked? Why, with the spice, you airhead!

Bene Gesserit would freaking love to come up with a guy who can do it and have access to both matrineal and patrilineal memories. The catch is that trying the guy out on the Proper Dosage can be mad fatal if the guy isn't up for it.

Incidentally, the BG are breeding to bring such a man into existence, and he would be THE KWISATZ HADERACH. Yeah.

All this background is illustrative of how fans of the Dune series end up reading and re-reading the books like eleventy times and still discover new stuff to figure out each time.

Okey Dokey:

Scene One: Caladan, jungle planet, lovely fertile place, current but soon to be former home of the noble and handsome and ethical and upright House of Atreides. There's Mama Atreides (Jessica), Daddy Atreides (Duke Leto) and Boy Atreides (Paul.)

Mama A is a Bene Gesserit who was placed with the Duke on BG directions. Mama A loves the Duke. BG expected Jessica to have a girl. Jessica loves the Duke and Duke wanted a boy so Jessica had a boy.

Paul is the boy.

Paul, a slender teen, has more combat-training than Navy SEALS, Spetznatz, IDF Unit 101 and Robin Hood's Merry Men combined. The boy can handle a blade, dude.

Oh wait.

Paul might also be THE KWISATZ HADERACH. (Not to be confused with Burt Bacharach. Just so you know.)

Jessica's mentor, Reverend Mother Mohiam, tests Paul's humanity by like oh just read it it's cool.

BTW, the Atreides have been ordered by the emperor to leave Caladan and head to Dune.

Dune is an entirely desert-covered planet.

Dune is also the sole source in the universe of THE SPICE. (And he who controls the spice...)

Scene Two: The evil decadent flamboyantly mavelolent House Harkonnen are portrayed lounging about and bitchily explaining what they're planning to do to their hated enemies, the Atreides. Frank Herbert reportedly said he based the Harkonnens on the Nazis, and, it shows. Baron Harkonnen's demeanor is something out of Downfall, replete with whining and incandescent temper.

Oh yes: Their plan includes collaborating with the emperor in luring the Atreides into a vicious trap. Once the Atriedes are on Dune, THEY WILL BE DESTROYED. Cue evil laughter.

Oh, and: The emperor's own Sardaukar will be part of the destruction, romping around Dune in borrowed Harkonnen uniforms. Evil, huh?

ANY way. Yeah, this could be a five-minute summation if you skim quickly, I'm sure.

On Dune, of course, there is a very, very hardy population of "Fremen" who are basically Wandering Jews Gone Militant Except They're Muslims who have been kicked or hounded out of every other place in the galaxy, and, they're not a very gentle people by disposition.

Life in the desert has made them into a very, very, very, very, very tough group of people.

And: They've been primed by the Bene Gesserit to anticipate an outside savior, a man accompanied by a Reverend Mother. How convenient!

The plot against the Atriedes goes off almost perfectly.

Paul and Jessica escape to the Fremen. The Fremen are tough as nails, as noted above, and they adopt Paul and Jessica and vice-versa.

After a couple years of hard-core training and guerrila training etc., Paul and the Fremen throw the Harkonnen/Imperial yoke off from Dune, and Paul becomes emperor.

 

[modelcitizen]

Dune Messiah:

Paul is emperor, and, life sucks.

His people have gone ahead on a nasty universe-wide jihad, slaying billions of innocents.

Paul is kind of moody about it.

Believe it or not, there are folks conspiring to overthrow Paul.

The conspirators say, Ah Ha, let's make a zombie version of Paul's Best Dead Friend, Duncan Idaho, program him to kill Paul, and then make a present of Idaho to Paul.

It almost works.

Idaho, just as he is about to kill Paul, has a kind of seizure and the stress of being compelled to kill his best live friend triggers the release of Idaho's Original Actual Memories.

ANyhow, Paul gets blinded and goes off into the desert, Never To Be Seen Again (or so we think), his wife dies giving birth to Profoundly Enlightened Twins, Duncan hits on Paul's hot sister Alia, etc.

 

[modelcitizen]

Children of Dune

As not previously mentioned, Paul's sister Alia was born with everything that her mother AND her brother Paul have in terms of memories and stuff.

Oh crap. I forgot to tell you: Paul is the Kwisatz Haderach! He can SEE! Etc., etc.

So, yeah, Alia has both male and female ancestral memories --and their personas-- swarming in the back of her mind.

Fast forward to Paul gone off into the desert, and the twins --Leto and Ghanima-- are being held in regent or something while Alia rules in regent or in their place.

Alia gets POSSESSED by the horny old fat monster Baron Harkonnen. Uh oh is right.

INCIDENTALLY: Spice is created by giant freaking monster SANDWORMS who are about the size of aircraft carriers and are twenty times more dangerous.

Sandworms grow into adulthood after starting out larvae-ish-like as itty-bitty sandtrout. Sandtrout can be "teased" for spice-laden fluid, and, because they're basically amorphous bags of gel, kids can stretch a sandtrout over their forearm to make an ultimate (temporary) live "glove."

Little Leto has SEEN the future.

If he's not around somehow to do something about it, Everything Goes To Hell.

Leto Junior takes off his robe and lets the sandtrout cover him almost completely. They stick to him, forming a kind of suit covering all but his face. This looks normal on Dune, because people like the Fremen wear "Stillsuits" of similarly-encompassing coverage that protect and recover bodily moisture etc.

With the new "worm suit," Leto is incredibly strong and difficult to hurt.

Leto takes care of business and establishes himself as emperor with a flourish.

 

[modelcitizen]

God Emperor Dune

Okay, fast-forward about three thousand years.

Remember what sand-trout turn into?

Picture a sandworm about the size of say a very very large motorhome, and, on the front end, you have an inset HUMAN FACE and a pair of sandtrout-coated arms.

It's pretty damn nuts, it is. (AND Herbert carries it off, it's a freaking classic.)

The God Emperor Leto has taken the human universe past the time of grave threat that he foresaw earlier, and he has been figuratively sitting on humankind with the purpose akin to gently shaking a pressurized bottle of soda that will KASPLOOSH when it's opened.

(Apparently, the envisioned fate makes Skynet of Terminator look benign, with death-craft coming to each planet and seeking-hunting EVERYONE no matter how deeply they bury themselves. So, arguably, at least there's some kind of validity to the Machine Menace starring in some of the Brian Herbert/Kevin Anderson Dune "prequels" and "sequels.")

Here's a fun twist: Leto has been decanting zombies I mean "gholas" (fancy word for revived clones, a live copy of the dead, etc.) of Duncan Idaho for these thousands of years.

Yeah, it's driving Idaho a little batshit by now.

Idaho and the female scion of the Atriedes family that Leto has managed the breeding of get together and plot the destruction of the God Emperor Leto.

They succeed, Leto plunges into a river, his body rips itself apart and the resulting sandtrout are off to become worms and turn Dune back into a spice-producing desert planet.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Paul's promise to turn Dune into a water-rich paradise for his people is carried out and how. THIS kills all the sandworms except for Leto, and, Leto ends up having a very harsh monopoly on existing spice reserves, etc., and also severely limits space travel, matching his above-noted Terrible Purpose of squelching/sitting on humankind until the proper moment.

 

[modelcitizen]

Heretics of Dune:

It's about another three thousand years or so from God Emperor Dune.

Dune is back to being a desert planet again.

The Tleilaxu, a very difficult to spell people, are the enigmatic masters of genetic manipulation who have perfected "Face Dancers" who can adopt the physical and behavioral traits of whomever they touch and kill. This can be very alarming if you're wondering whether you can depend on Certain Key People in an area of interest for the Tleilaxu.

Listen, the Tleilaxu have always been there in the Dune universe, but here is where they really begin to take center stage, or at least I dare say so. (The Tleilax are the ones who make the gholas and make "twisted mentats" --super-CPA/analyst folks but with savage inclinations-- for the likes of the Harkonnens.)

As Leto intended, his letting the cork out sends humanity out into a very wide Scattering into the far reaches of et cetera et cetera, almost guaranteeing the survival of humanity in decentralized form, etc.

Slight problem.

Some Weird Shit has been going on on the frontiers.

Some Fish Speakers (Leto's all-female army, I know I know) and Bene Gesserits met in the Middle Of Nowhere and formed -drumroll- the Honored Matres. Yup. Reverend Mother... Honored Matre. You see?

Honored Matres are batshit insane.

They destroy the planets of anyone who offends them.

When Tleilaxu attempt to infiltrate Honored Matre leadership by slaying and replacing their leadership with Face Dancers, take a wild guess how the Honored Matres react? But I get ahead of myself.

The Bene Gesserit are prominent and are twice as wily and clever and cynical as ever, and, they're The Good Guys.

There's another incarnation of Idaho, and he's been sufficiently screwed with by the Tleilaxu that he's supposed to kill the Bene Gesserit who tries to "imprint" him by sexually bonding him to a "type" of woman who just happens to be a dead ringer for one of the top BG leaders.

Idaho instead gets bedded by a really, really hot Honored Matre, and while she's imprinting him, he takes over and imprints her. And, not only does he not kill her, and she fails to kill him, but...

He gets back all of his memories.

No.

You don't get it.

ALL

OF

HIS

MEMORIES,

including the three-thousand years of repeatedly getting brought back for God-Emperor Leto and everything.

So in the body of teenage Duncan Idaho is a human being with roughly three thousand years of memory.

Damn.

SO the Honored Matre are lured into destroying Dune, lessening the depth of control exerted by the sandworms who each carry a pearl of awareness from their source God Emperor Leto, and the BG take off with a sandworm and sand in their ship to create a New Dune elsewhere.

It's a very exciting book.

 

[modelcitizen]

Chapterhouse Dune:

This, the sixth book, is bittersweet because it is the last book published by Frank Herbert.

Heartbroken by the death of his wife Beverly, Frank follows her soon after.

In the back of the book is some of the most beautifully written elegy I've ever seen, an essay by the author about his wife, and my eyes are getting a bit damp just writing this.

(Deep breath.)

A few years after where we left off...

Honored Matres, still going absolutely batshit.

They've destroyed the Bene Tleilaxu's home world and most if not all of the Bene Tleilaxu, with the exception of The Last Surviving Tleilaxu Master who was on the ship that took the worm (And Duncan, and his Honored Matre, Murbella) to the Bene Gesserit head planet Chapterhouse.

The Bene Gesserit have to do some far-reaching stuff to beat the Honored Matres.

It's a freaking awesome story.

You shouldn't read this post, you should close the computer and get the freaking book if you haven't read it already.

But, it's your life, and I'm going to continue writing this spoiler-riddled summary.

Murbella takes on Bene Gesserit training and successfully becomes a Reverend Mother.

Mother Superior (I think that's her title) Darwi Odrade (Odrade, sounds like... Atriedes!), the woman for whom Duncan was originally supposed to be imprinted to follow, pulls several rabbits out of the hat by:

Picking a fight with the Honored Matre and getting enough of an upper hand so that MURBELLA ends up becoming in charge of BOTH, to form a UNITED SUPER SISTERHOOD that will evolve into Bene Gesserit with some fancy Honored Matre fighting moves.

Just, WOW.

By the way, some "rebel" BG are not amused by this, and, they take off with the aforementioned ship with some new sandtrout, Duncan Idaho, the Last Tleilaxu Master, and some other folks to go form a new-old order of the Bene Gesserit elsewhere.

 

[Color-Copycat]

Dune Prequel Trilogies: Add 1 cup gasoline to 2 cups bleach and 2 cups ammonia. Ingest half of resulting liquid while pouring remaining half onto the surface of eyes.

 

[B_Munro]

Dune Prequel Trilogies: Add 1 cup gasoline to 2 cups bleach and 2 cups ammonia. Ingest half of resulting liquid while pouring remaining half onto the surface of eyes.

Come on...tell us how you really feel about them.

Bruce

 

[modelcitizen]

Dune Prequel Trilogies: Add 1 cup gasoline to 2 cups bleach and 2 cups ammonia. Ingest half of resulting liquid while pouring remaining half onto the surface of eyes.

"Spoiler alert: Anyone in the Dune Prequel Trilogy who isn't around in the actual Dune book by Frank Herbert (e.g., Paul's older brother, Cletus; Beast Rabban's biological parents; etc.) is GONNA DIE."